How did I get here?

How did I get here?

I hadn't realised just how much I'd gotten used to the badge and all it provides. Sure, being a cop meant you attracted some trouble, or had to go looking for it, but at least backup was only a radio away. And that backup had plenty of resources. And once you'd gotten to know the people you were working with, you knew who you could trust and depend upon and what they'd do in a given situation.

Don't get me wrong, life on the force wasn't easy and anyone who knows anything about my background will be well aware of some of the troubles I had in my six years with the New Milton Keynes police. But the badge conferred a certain authority and power, even with those who had little respect for it. I miss that strength. I'm surprisingly weak without it.

I thought I'd be all right you know. Having spent years on the street and survived, I thought I'd cope with whatever life threw at me again. But of course, comparing what I've been up to lately, and the difference I try to make when I can, I'm trying to work on a much grander scale than I used to.

It used to be that I was just trying to do right by a group of kids growing up on the street. During my time as a cop, both my goals and my expectations grew with my increase in authority. Now I'm no longer a cop and I've lost the power that came with the job, but I haven't reduced the scale and scope of my goals to reflect that. I still think I can make a significant difference to the people of NMK and make some progress towards making the corporations think twice before they try and squash the little people.

But it's not working. The fact that most of me's laid here recovering from horrific injury is proof enough of that. Either I scale back my goals, hopes and expectations or I have to become stronger, more capable, more resilient, more... dangerous, if only in my attitude and approach. I can't give up on people. To do so would betray not only them, but also my heart and my honour.

They're preparing a new leg for me at the moment. I've got to use the time between now and when it's ready for 'fitting' to heal enough so they can perform the surgery. That also gives me at least a few days to work out whether replacing my leg is all I'll get them to do. But I need to be careful. I dealt with plenty of people suffering from various stages of cyberpsychosis while I was with the police. Quite a few of them were on the force. They're tales for another time though. However, I suspect at least one of those I've been travelling with lately is a sufferer. How long before C-SWAT come to administer some medication?

I'm doing no good to the city and it's people lying here though. And I'm sure I've made enough enemies in the few years I've been alive who'd prefer a stationary target. So I've made some appointments with a cybertech surgeon and a cyberpsychologist for tomorrow to discuss some options. If I'm gonna be recovering from the surgery for a couple of weeks, I need to use that time in a constructive way and I hope I can use it to make sure that I don't lose myself while I'm chasing my goals. I've also got to place some calls with some contacts I've still got in the NMK police...